Dutch Harbor response
I am Jim White, Sr.,
responding to email you sent to my son, Jon White.
Your email brought
back a lot of good memories. When I was shipped to Dutch Harbor in
1944, I was just 17. Your father and I, as part of the boxing team,
worked out at the gym just about every day. We sparred against each
other and went through the normal exercise routines that boxers go
through to keep in shape.
There's three things
I didn't like about your father:
was better looking than me,
was a better boxer than me,
was better built than me.
Other than that,
your dad was a very nice guy who was always smiling and someone just
enjoyable to be with.
The Navy guys were
located on the south end of the island, the Marines were in the
middle and the Seabees (me) were the north end of the island. The
Army was in a little island across the Bering Strait called
Like your dad,
meeting Joe Louis was a big thrill. After the fights all the
fighters got to go to the chow hall to eat with Joe Louis and talk
I'm really sorry to
hear of your dad's passing and hope this helps you with some of your
Poem from Trina
to Great Grandpa Gym
By: Trina White
great-grandpa's sit on the couch,
great-grandpa's are a real grouch,
great-grandpa's have a belly of jelly,
great-grandpa's are kind of smelly,
grandpa's don't like kids',
great-grandpa's are just like that,
But not my
Great-Grandpa he is smart,
He always makes us
laugh and smile so big,
I sure am glad we
I will always
remember my wonderful great-grandpa,
great-grandpa, I love you.
Trina White (7/10/04)
Letter from Gym to Family
I can't even begin to say how much this means to me, having
the best people in my life join me to celebrate my 80th year.
Thank you all for being here with special thanks to Michelle &
Joe for all this.
When Michelle first told me we should celebrate my 80th
birthday, I really didn't want anything... I said we should
wait until my 85th, and she said "that's okay Dad, we'll have
one then, too!"
You are my very special family, very special friends and
it makes me proud and humble having you all here.
Former Fishing Partner
(handwritten from Gym to Chris Poe, 1/11/93)
I have been waiting almost two months for an
apology or explanation as to why you abused me so violently while
trying to bring in that stingray.
I had to enter an abuse treatment center for
Grandfathers that are abused by Grandsons. I tried to go fishing on
Lake Michigan here, but the memory of that night was too much to
handle. But worst of all, every time I look at my two fish tanks I
break out in a sweat.
I'm sure I'll over come this some day, but in
the meantime, my health is at stake.
I hope your conscience will guide you in
further treatment of other would-be fishermen.
Your former fishing partner,
P.S. Say Hi to Spring or is it Fall?
Former Fishing Partner
(handwritten from Gym to Chris Poe, 2/26/93)
I must say I was greatly relieved that you
finally got help and are in therapy.
The organization "Being Bossy Anonymous" is one
of the best. We have a chapter up here. I don't know if you know
this, but the disease you have can be cured. It will happen when
you finally get married; you will transmit this disease to your
wife. Women love having this disease and thrive on the fact that
they can never be cured. It happens to all married men, believe me
I know! Grandma has had the disease for twenty years and loves it.
Your Dad had the disease for a short time and infected your Mother
with it, that's why she is so happy now. Your girlfriend "Winter"
will be getting B.B.A. soon and you will notice a gradual change.
Only men can be cured of B.B.A., women keep it for life, it grows
stronger with age.
My therapy is not going so well, the shock
treatments are terrible, I'm sick for days after it. I don't mind
that they tie me down and put a gag in my mouth, it's the ice cold
water that I have to lay in that's rough. Another one of my
treatments is really scary, I have to go once a week to a Seafood
Store and look at the dead fish. The doctor said it won't be long
before I can face live ones. The one treatment I could not handle
was when they were forcing me to watch Fishing Shows on T.V. The
fishermen always reminded me of you, and brought back memories that
I just could not handle. I'm sure with the treatments we are both
getting, our problems will soon be over.
I hope someday we will be able to go fishing
together when your over B.B.A. It won't be easy for you to handle
your own pole and leave mine alone. It won't be easy for you not to
push and shove me when your moving around the boat. It won't be
easy for you not to scream at me when all I'm doing is trying to
help. It won't be easy for you to keep calm when I'm handling the
lantern at night to find out what's at the end of the line and you
keep shouting that I'm not shining it on the right spot. It won't be
easy for you when the boat does not stop and go as fast as you
want. So please keep up with your treatments so I can get on with
I have to close now-- its time for my
Jim Sting Ray White
P.S. Keep your eye on Stacy. She maybe getting
the B.B.A. disease early because of in house influence.
(fyi.....FFP stand for Former Fishing Partner)
to Chris Poe) 1993
Yeah, yeah, you can use the family tribe name "S.W.F."
but for you it means "Swishy White Floridian"!!
I suspected your sexual preference for some
time, but refused to admit it to the family and myself. What gave
me my first clue are your heroes; Rock Hudson, Michael Jackson,
Prince, Elton John, Jim Nabors, Truman Capote, Johnny Mathis, Tab
Hunter, Montgomery Clift, Dick White, Anthony Perkins, Gore Vidal,
Sal Mineo, Scott Hamilton, William Buckley, Charles Laughton, Van
Johnson...... I could go on and on, but it really makes me ill!
Your lifestyle is your choice... I have no
control over it, but do me a favor-- on my next visit please; no
hugs or kisses-- I just couldn't handle that.
The watch is not a gift! Its purpose is to
show you how I can control and manipulate your thoughts from a
thousand miles away! Every time you wear the watch, you will think
of me, no matter how hard you try not to. I get great satisfaction
having that power over you!
Just try to wear it without thinking of me--
NOT! It's impossible!! Ha,ha,ha-- Once again, I've got you whipped
without laying a hand on you!
Chalk one more up for the old heterosexual,
straight, cool and yes Swift White Fox!!!
(from Gym to Chris, 1993)
In trying to turn your feelings back on track
as to your sexual preference, I got caught at work cutting these
pictures out of magazines.... I am now considered a pervert! No
thanks to you. Still, I hope the pictures I sent will do some good
in changing your thinking. At work, people are looking at me funny,
(and I don't mean ha-ha funny) and talking behind my back-- its all
very embarrassing, but if these pictures do the job, and help you in
any way towards one step toward going the way of your True Sexual
Nature, it will all be worth the shame I am going through.
Since the girls at work think that I have some
kind of weird fetish, they are giving me their old underwear.
Grandma "J" found out, and she is hopping mad!
Instead of calling me S.W.F., they are calling
me W.F.S. (Weird Fetish Sicko). The contents of this letter are for
your Personal Pleasure.
When you are through studying them, give the
pictures to Uncle Dick-- I'm sure he will enjoy the Photography!
A misdemeanor senior
(NOTE: Gym sent Chris Poe a whole large
envelope full of pictures he cut out of magazines of models.
When Chris was around 10 or so Gym sent him a playboy magazine but
he had gone through the magazine first and cut out all the
Chris Poe to Gym, 7/7/2004)
Hot Summer Night! This is a
Boom Boom or Whip-Whip whatever you want
to call him and I were out fishing on a dock down on Little
Gasparilla Island one evening. We were sipping on a few cold ones
as I remember when all of a sudden Whip-Whip's line started
humming. This monster of a fish was pulling line faster than a race
car on Sundays. It took all of WW's strength just to hold on to the
When the line was almost to the end I decided
there was nothing else we could do but hop on the boat and chase
this monster out to sea. So WW and I hopped on this boat and caught
up to the fish. We could not see the fish because there was no light
out, we were out on the high seas with no lights or anything. That
was WW's idea, he forgot to bring batteries for the light. So, there
we were in the ocean with this big fish on the line that WW could
not pull up because he was too tired.
That's when he yelled at me. Started cursing
and saying things I've never heard before. So I yelled back but it
did not help matters. In fact it just infuriated him to no end. The
big fish was getting the best of him and he didn't like it. What was
he going to tell all his friends, when they heard that a fish kicked
his butt, boy they would get a laugh.
So in a desperate attempt to escape
embarrassment, WW threw me the rod and real. By throwing the rod and
reel in my hands I would be the one who couldn't catch the fish, and
be forever scarred for life. I was just getting my hands on the pole
when Mom pulled up in another boat to see me struggling with this
fish. WW was yelling at me the whole time. I was caught red handed
with the fish on my line. The fish we still haven't seen. The next
thing I did was pull this rod as hard as I could, it broke the line.
We never got to see the fish that kicked WW's butt, or should I say
my butt. Those of us there know the truth.
That is the end to our story, I hope you
understand what really happened out there that dark night.
See ya, Chris Poe
(See below for
Reply from Gym to Chris Poe, 7/7/2004)
(Reply from Gym to Chris Poe, 7/7/2004)
Stop telling lies about my fishing expertise!
You wouldn't know a hook from a sinker. Apparently you've forgotten
the time I caught a huge fish and had to throw it back BECAUSE it
was so big.
Chrissy, do you want me to tell stories about
our tennis matches and racquetball games? It's only out of respect
for your mother that I never got you in a ring. I would have hit you
with so many lefts, you would be begging for right hands.
I really wish I could've played you one-on-one
in Basketball, because that's my secret skill that I don't spread
around. You're LUCKY!
to Chris Poe, 7/20/2004)
I heard the good news that you're going to be a
father. Now I can't call you Chrissy any more. I had my doubts
about you for a long time, but you proved me wrong!
The pink bathroom you wrote about doesn't
threaten MY manhood. I'm partial to lavender and puce, too, so
The picture of my behind was for a men's
fitness magazine. They couldn't do a frontal shot because it
could've caused too much jealousy among its readers. Again, so
Seriously, welcome to a brand new life!
North versus South
to Jim Jr, 3/24/1994)
In your fax, you wrote you couldn't understand
how we still live up North. That's because WIMPS live in the South.
I can do things here that you could never do down there:
- Shovel snow
- Chip and Chop ice
- Drive in blizzards, sleet and ice storms
- Use jumper cables to start my frozen car
- DRINK ALCOHOL TO KEEP WARM
- Wear long winter underwear (Until May)
- Thaw frozen pipes in the basement
- Use ice scraper on car windows to see icy
- Use my snow blower every few HOURS
- DRINK ALCOHOL TO KEEP WARM
- Pay large heating bills
- Change plain tires for snow tires ('til May)
- Abstain from sex (weakens me for shoveling)
- Sleep well; from physical exhaustion
- DRINK ALCOHOL TO KEEP WARM
- Grocery shopping only when necessary
- Daring to jog on icy sidewalks without
- Getting up two hours early to dig out of
- Go ice fishing
- DRINK ALCOHOL TO KEEP WARM
- See shrink monthly to fight depression
- Sealing all windows to keep heat inside
- Keep pets inside against their wills, so
paws won't freeze
- At work, start car every two hours
- DRINK ALCOHOL TO KEEP WARM
- Keep fish tank heater working, so water
- Buy rock salt, sand, more rock salt for
- Buy medicine for frost bite (liquid Jim
- Buy medicine for severe colds and flu (more
liquid Jim Beam)
- Buy Anti-freeze for car (weekly)
- Buy electric blankets for bed (monthly)
- Buy heating pads for my recliner (monthly)
- Buy light shovel for Jackie
- Plenty of food and drinks to create body
heat, like beer, brandy, whiskey, scotch, bourbon, run, tequila,
vodka, gin, wine.... and chili
I know you're just jealous, Jim, because deep
down you know REAL MEN live in the North country. Maybe, some day
you will let yourself experience (again) the challenge and the
pleasures and treasures of living up North.
Have to close now, have another doctor
Your MACHO father,
SWIFT WHITE FOX, III
BOXING LESSONS for Stacy
(from Gym to
Stacy Poe in response to her "rough" soccer play)
Lesson 1 (4/21/97)
If you are taller than your opponent, you must
use your jab to keep them at bay. They in turn will try to get
inside and throw hooks and body shots. Keep that jab in their face
and counter with the right hand when they try to get inside. If
they should get inside, just tie them up with your arms so they
If you are shorter than your opponent, you must
get inside. Let them jab and then slip under it and attack. Once
inside, stay there and keep punching. Always keep your head lower
than your opponent's, so you don't get cut. Hands up, chin down,
bob and weave. Get inside- that's the secret.
I hope this improves your soccer game.
As you know, there's no charge for this lesson
as usual, because you're family....
P.S. If and when you practice with your
mother, get inside.... she does not like body shots. Please keep me
informed of your progress.
Lesson 2 (from Gym and Jackie to Stacy
When jabbing or throwing your right hand, aim
for the eyes, nose, mouth or chin. Never the forehead or top of the
head... that's all bone and you will only hurt your hand. That's
why the stomach is so vulnerable. No bone there. The chin is best,
because certain parts of it, that if hit right, would cause blood to
stop flowing to the brain, which causes a knockout or temporary loss
of senses. That's why you keep your hands high to protect your
When practicing your jab and right hand on your
mother, always be aware of her ability to punch back. I've seen her
when she's mad and it's not a pretty sight. Don't forget- practice,
P.S. I printed the letter out that you
wrote and I'm keeping it because it really got to me. When you see
your dad, say hi.
Lesson 3 Boxing
(from Gym and Jackie to Stacy Poe 5/2/97)
These are more tips than lessons but they will
help you. Soak your face in pickle brine at least an hour a day.
This will make your skin like leather and prevent you from getting
cut. Just take a wash rag, soak it in the brine and place it on
your face. Your skin may look a little tough after awhile, but
that's the price you pay. Don't drink too many liquids prior to a
match, it slows your reflexes and makes you logy. Spit as much as
you can- it gets rid of the excess liquids. Eat six hours before
your match and your food will digest, and you won't get sick to your
stomach from body shots.
Hope these tips help in your next soccer match.
PS from Grandma J. WHAT IS YOUR
GRANDFATHER TRYING TO TRANSFORM YOU INTO????? Aren't you still the
feminine beauty we used to know? Sure you gotta be kind of tough in
soccer, but you're so FEMALE... and it shows!
PS Again-- Grandpa GYM ALWAYS DICTATES
LETTERS FOR ME TO TYPE! He did do his own to Joe tonite, though.
PS Again, Again-- Everything Grandpa is
telling you is what he did when he was young. Tonite's tips are
just one of the reasons why he has to wear a jar of vaseline on his
face every night. It works on leather too.
Love from Coach GYM's secretary (without pay)
(from Gym to Stacy Poe, 5/9/97)
Footwork is very important. If you keep your
feet too close together, you can get knocked down fairly easy. If
they are too far apart, you will not be able to move fast. So find
a happy medium where you have good balance and can move quickly.
Always keep your right leg behind your left
leg-- your power will come off your right leg. Never keep your legs
side by side. You will lose power and will be off balance. You can
spit while doing this exercise.
Gym to Stacy Poe, 5/18/97)
When doing your road work prior to match it is
best to run for distance one day (5 miles) would be adequate. Then
run sprints the next day, start off running 50 yd sprints then
walking 50 yds, when you get finally tuned increase it to 100 yd
sprints and 100 yds walking. The length of the sprints will be up
to you, don't over do it.
To increase your arm strength run with weights
in each hand and throw punches when your running, this really helps
in keeping your hands high, they won't get as tired.
Only spit while running distance.
P.S. Say hi to your mom, I forgot her
name because I haven't heard from her in a long, long, long time.
This is the first letter I am sending without help, I'm getting so
cocky I don't even check my spelling.
Love to your mom from her Dad (In case she
to Stacy Poe, 5/22/97)
Don't forget to work on your stomach muscles.
Situps are good but a medicine ball really tightens those abs up.
You lie on the floor, knees bent, you have someone stand over you
and hit your stomach with the ball. Just before impact, tighten
your stomach muscles. Then toss the ball back to whoever is
throwing it. It also gives your arms a good workout. You don't
have to spit doing this exercise. Work it up slowly to 50 times.
(from Gym to Stacy Poe, 6/1/97)
You should wear a mouth piece. A lot of
people think it's to protect your teeth, but what it really does is
protect your lips from cutting when you get hit in the mouth. When
you get hit in the mouth, the lip hits the teeth which are sharp,
and that causes a cut lip. A lot of sports are making it a
requirement to wear a mouthpiece.
I'd hate to see you walking around with a
P.S. Congratulations on your graduation,
and I hope College will be just as successful as your high school
career. It'll be a great experience.
to Stacy Poe, 6/16/97)
Now that you're done with your soccer career
you should give serious thought to a boxing career. Ladies boxing
is getting very popular and the money is good. I would be your
manager and trainer. All we would have to do is hire a cut man the
night of your fights. I would get you a couple of amateur fights
first before turning you pro. I know a promoter that would
guarantee US ten straight wins and you keep all the money. After
that I would get a third of all monies made, you keep the rest plus
pick up the expenses. That's a pretty good deal since I will be
trainer and manager.
Think about it.
I can see your name in lights already....
STACY "PUNISHING POE" WORLD CHAMPION.
I'm excited already. I have a contract for you
to sign, but want you to take your time. Let me know by Wednesday,
Your trainer and manager,
GYM (BOOM - BOOM) WHITE
(From Chris Poe
to Gym, 4/28/97)
Hey! I am terribly disappointed in you!
I finally get a chance to be on line and check
my mail, and there's nothing from you in here. What? I don't
exist! You're killing me here!
Well how's things going with you Mr. "I'm too
good to write to my grandson in FL"? Just you wait, when I get up
there around the 4th of July I'm going to show you some fireworks!
I thought everything was fine and dandy, but I guess you think
Well I hope you can take your medicine like a
man. After we take care of the boxing lessons outside, I'll get
your butt on the b-ball court and show you some new tricks. And
we'll probably have to quit cause you'll be whining about your knees
or your back. Anything to stop the pain of losing!
Well I'll be writing soon!
(from Gym to
Chris Poe, 4/29/97)
I didn't send you email because your mother
said you are seldom on line. But now you're getting OUT OF LINE.
Listen, yo-yo, when you come here in July, bring your checkbook or
cash. I've got the sports picked out. Boxing, handball, squash,
racquetball, badminton and tennis.
Now we will see who's the man.... The only
problem with this lineup is if we do the boxing first, you won't be
able to compete in the rest of the events. And, YA-hoo -- make sure
to bring proof of medical insurance. I can't be responsible for
Listen, Putz, don't let my age fool you; it's
what's upstairs that counts--and you and I know who leads in that
Also, Whip-Whip, like your Dolphins' coach,
Jimmy Johnson said: "If you talk the talk, you have to walk the
walk". Are you starting to get nervous Christine??????
Well, Zero, I have to go to the gym now and
spar a few rounds and kick some butt.
p.s. It figures you would call yourself
"malibu" -- that means "sweetheart" in Hawaiian.
No More Mr. Nice Guy
(from Gym to Adam Krueger, 6/4/97)
I'm Ready. Don't Forget To Bring Your Money And
Ask Your Mommy To Lend You A Few Dollars. If You Have A Piggy Bank,
Bring That Too. Seeing Its My Ball And Basket I Set The Rules.
1- You Must Wear A Head Gear So You Don't Get
Punchy From All The Head Blows
2- Don't Eat Before You Play Because If You Get
Hit In The Stomach (By Accident) You Might Get Sick
3- Bring Your Own First Aid Kit To Help Stop
4- Your Mommy has To Stay At Home
5- Yo-Yo Has To Stay At Home
6- No Witnesses To This Slaughter
7- If An Ambulance Needs To Be Called, The
Person Hurt Has To Pay For It And The Hospital Stay.
8- Make Sure Your Medical Insurance Is Paid Up.
9- Your Mommy Will Have To Sign A Waiver That I
Am Not Responsible For Any Injuries You May Incur.
10- Good Luck And May The Good Lord Protect You
to Adam Krueger, 6/9/97)
Just As I Thought, You Chickened Out This
Weekend. I Waited For You For Three Days And As I Thought --You
Were A No-Show.
A lot of Talk And No Action, Which I
Suspected. Go Back And Play With The Girls, Someone Maybe You Can
Beat. Your Mommy Was Probably Afraid You Would Get Hurt, And You
Would Have. Your Safe Now So Relax And Enjoy Playing With The
Got To Go Now And Beat Up On Some Neighborhood
Things You Don't Do
to Adam Kruger, 2/24/1998)
Remember, there are certain things you don't
1: Never spit into the wind.
2: Never fool with batman's utility belt.
3: Never touch the Lone Ranger's mask.
4: Don't ever touch Darth Vader's light-saber.
5: Never pull Godzilla's tail.
6: Don't swing on Tarzan's vine.
7: Don't hang on Superman's cape.
8: Don't go near Holyfield's ears.
9: Never climb on Hulk Hogan's back.
10: Don't SWING Jack Nicklaus' clubs.
11: Never attempt to block Jordan's dunks.
12: Don't ever, and I mean EVER, challenge the
Swift White Fox, Boom-Boom, Gym, Terminator, Destroyer, Rocky, Mr.
Awesome, Jolting, King, Enforcer, Intimidator and RULER. You could
get seriously maimed for life. Would you want to limp around on
crutches with casts all over your body???? I THINK NOT.
I HAVE SPOKEN.
(from Gym to Dan White, 5/2/97)
THIS IS AN ALL POINTS BULLETIN TO MY BUDDIES
ON MY BUDDY LIST:
I am looking for my son Dan. When last seen,
he lived in San Jose, CA. I know he is out there and suspect there
may be some foul play.
He looks like me, except I am better looking...
He is build like me, but I am more muscular. He is my height,
unless he is wearing his shoe lifts, then he is taller. If anyone
out there knows his whereabouts, please E-MAIL me immediately.
There will be no reward for finding him, but it
will be greatly appreciated. Your input will be kept private and
personal. Thank you all for helping me in these trying times. God
will reward you, I can't afford it.
SWIFT WHITE FOX III
Selling the House
to Lauren Krueger, 5/21/97)
As you can tell I am typing slow because of my
weak condition. But don't worry about my poor health.
I want you to know I am considering selling my
house and moving far, far away. The reason I am thinking of moving
is because of the expense to me from your visits. Yesterday I
figured out when you and Adam come during the week, it costs me
$29.35 for food and beverages for the week. Your mother's total for
food and hard beverage comes to $33.60 a week and that adds up to
$250.80 a month. That would buy a lot of food and beverage for
Mimmere, Mollie, Barney and me. As it is now, we eat one meal a
day. We let Barney and Mollie out at night to hunt for food and so
far Mollie lost seven pounds. I don't think she's doing too well.
I'll be right back, I have to take my
Being old and in poor health and Mimmere crying
a lot (cuz she's always hungry), I must consider moving. I do have
a solution only you can help with. If you and Adam and your mother
can visit without eating and drinking (the drinking part will be
hard for your mother), I would not have to sell my house. If you
love Mimmere, PaJimmy, Mollie and Barney, this should be easy to
decide. I know your mom doesn't cook a lot, but ask her to get your
lovely children microwave meals. You and Adam can make them
yourself. Then mommy will have more time for her sauce....
I must go now because I don't feel well.
Mimmere is crying again, Millie is barking and Barney is wailing for
food. I don't want to move, but it's Mims health that I'm worried
about. Don't worry about me. As long as I take my medicine, shots,
and oxygen every two hours I will be all right. Mollie will be all
right when I find her a good home with dog food.
Love, Pa (cough, cough) Jimmy
P.S. I'm sorry this is such a short letter,
but I have a doctor appointment for my bleeding ulcers.
Just say NO to
(from Gym to
Lisa Kruger, 6/11/97)
[NOTE: Lisa Krueger works at a garden and gifts store
known as Stein's Garden]
Hey, Weed Grower
I hear you planted a garden... ha-ha-ha. What
did you plan to grow, two veggies? ha-ha-ha. The only thing you can
grow is old. Do not sneak over to my house when I'm not home and
steal my veggies like you did last year. This year I am counting
all my veggies and there better not be any missing.
Why don't you buy your veggies at a store and
save all that embarrassment. I have the green thumb, but all you
got is green with envy.
Even the rabbits would not eat your two
veggies. They have pride, too. You look like a farmer but you sure
don't know how to grow veggies. Why don't you take up a hobby like
watching TV, I think you could handle that, once you find out what
the off and on buttons stand for.
Must go now and water my crops
THE PLANT AND VEGGIE MAN
Your New Hobby - TV
to Lisa Krueger, 6/12/97)
Did you figure out the On/Off button yet on
Step 1: When you want to watch your
cartoons, press the "on" button. You will see a picture appear on
your TV set. If the cartoons don't show on the screen, you must
change the channel.
Step 2: Find the channel button. Keep
clicking it until you get a channel showing cartoons. Now sit and
Step 3: If you can't hear your
cartoons, go to the volume button (VOL). You will see an arrow
pointing "up" -- that means when you press the VOL button pointing
up, you will hear a louder noise. I fit gets too loud, go to the
VOL button pointing down, and it will get quieter.
Step 4: When you are done watching your
cartoons, go to the "off" button. Just press it, and your cartoons
will disappear! If for some reason you want to see more cartoons,
go back to Step 1.
I realize these instructions are complicated,
but you sit down for a couple of hours and read Steps 1 through 4, I
think you'll be able to get your cartoons. If you cannot understand
these instructions on how to operate a TV and get cartoons, call me
by phone and I will talk you thru steps 1 thru 4.
Warning: Do not try to operate your TV alone.
Have Lauren or Adam near-by to help you. If you cannot get cartoons
on any of the channels, TRY THE TREE STOOGES!
Good luck and may God be with you and guide you
to the channels.
Your TV Expert-
to Lisa Krueger, 6/14/97)
I did not want to tell you but I got a call
from Adam yesterday. He claims you do not know how to use a hose,
that is why your veggies die.
There is a faucet on the outside of your home
where you attach your hose. When attached and you want water coming
out of the opposite end, turn the handle clockwise (that's to the
right). Now you notice water coming out the end that is not
attached to the house. Now you can water those dead veggies.
In the past ,Adam told me you did not know how
to turn on the water and just stood there, hose in hand with no
water coming out, that's why you always have dead veggies. When
you're done watering your dead veggies, turn the handle
counter-clockwise (that's to the left), now the water will stop
coming out the end not connected to the house. I know it's hard to
remember clockwise, counter-clockwise, left, right and the end the
water come out, but with practice even you can figure it out.
Just remember clockwise ON;
counter-clockwise OFF; or right turn, ON and left turn, OFF. If you
cannot figure the operation of the hose, don't be embarrassed just
ask Adam or Lauren.
YOUR PATIENT, LOVING, UNDERSTANDING FATHER
BOOM-BOOM (THE PLANT EXPERT)
PS: DON'T BLAME ADAM FOR TELL ME. HE
JUST WANTED SOMETHING BESIDES DEAD VEGGIES.
Steins Gardens??? ha-ha-ha-ha
(from Gym to Lisa Krueger, 6/17/97)
HI, MARTHA STEWART.
Well Steins did it again. I bought four peony
plants from Minors and one from Steins. The ones from Minors are
four feet high and the one from Steins is twelve inches high. All
were planted at the same time.
How can you keep selling inferior products??
Next time you come over here to eat and drink, come up for air and
check the plants out for yourself.
Last week at Steins I asked a 15 yr old plant
wizard where the PEAT MOSS was, he said we don't have a PETE MOSS
working here. I said I want PEAT MOSS to put in dirt, he said I
should not do that to another human being.
Where do you get your help....SKID ROW??.
Going to Steins should be a pleasure, not a nervous breakdown.
Must go now and take my medicine.
YOUR CUTE, CARING, CUDDLY FATHER
Hoes & Hoses
Gym to Lisa Krueger, 6/19/97)
Stein's did it again. I went to buy a HOE. I
asked one of your brain-damaged experts where the HOES were
located. He asked if I wanted a rubber or vinyl HOSE. I said they
were made of wood and metal-- he laughed at me! He asked what I
wanted it for, and I said to break up the soil and get rid of
weeds. He said a HOSE wouldn't do that. I said my HOES did that in
He asked how I stores my HOES. I said I just
hung them on a hook. He said they should be coiled or put on a HOSE
RACK. I asked how can you coil HOES-- he said they're very
flexible. He wanted to know how many feet of HOSE I wanted --50
feet? I said are you nuts-- they're all the same, about five feet
long. He asked what I would HOSE with five feet. I said
everything. He said it's impossible to reach everything with a five
I told him I could HOE my font, back and sides
of my house with a five-foot HOE. He called me a liar! I told him
to take his HOES and shove it and he said that's hard to do with
fifty feet of HOSE!
Your frustrated but thoughtful and loving,
to Lisa Krueger, 7/11/97)
Went to Stein's again. Asked one of your
teenage experts... "Where do you keep your stakes?" He said "We
don't sell STEAKS here"... I told him I need stakes for my
tomatoes. He said I would have to "eat" steaks without tomatoes. I
told BRAIN-DEAD I did not want to EAT the stakes, I wanted to plant
them in the ground. He said STEAKS don't grow in the ground like
tomatoes. I said, "okay, do you have supporters for tomatoes?" He
said I would have to buy supporters at a sporting goods store.
I left and went to Minors (A REAL GARDEN
Please don't have your help wear the shirts
that read "I'm here to help you" - You could get sued!
Your caring, loving, tender-hearted, gentle
Gym to Lisa Krueger, 7/12/97)
I asked one of your high school
dropouts-and-tree experts where the FIRS were located. He said
Stein's does not sell FURS. I asked if Steins sold trees, he said
yes, I said then you must have FIRS. The expert said "you have to
go to a FURRIER for FURS. I said, okay, do you have a YEW? He said
"why would I have ME?" I said I don't want ME, I want YEW. He said
I couldn't have him and called me a pervert.
I lost it then and ended up at Minors - again.
Your thoughtful, caring, considerate and
THE GREEN THUMB WIZARD
Brown Thumb White
Lisa Kruger to Gym, 7/12/97)
Dear Gentle caring, loving, & tender-hearted
Here is a list of things you should do with
1. Don't hang out at Steins. Our FINE
young employees have better things to do than listen to a pest who
cannot speak correctly and say his words right.
2. Tend to your sad little garden that
needs all the help it can get.
3. Try Miracle Grow it can help you
get, maybe a tomato or two.
4. Come and see a REAL garden, at my
5. Take speech lessons...Fast, so our
teenagers can learn to understand you.
6. Call Jack Stein, he understands your
speech problems and he is worried about you. He wants to help. Maybe
if you are nice he will give you a tomato from his garden. (remember
I still have not told him you shop at Minors...that inferior garden
7. Look up Green Thumb in the
dictionary, and see what it really means. You don't have one.
8. Stick to hostas.
Take this list and keep it so you know what to
do with your time. I will pray for you. And don't bother my talented
teenagers any more.
YOUR Sweet good natured and ever loving
gardening champ of a daughter,
to Lisa Krueger, 8/7/97)
Hey, Round Head
Thanks For The Two Pickles You Left Me, Or Were
They Cukes??? I Did Not Know They Grew That Small.
We Are Now Picking My Fresh Red, Ripe, Top Of
The Line Tomatoes. As I Told You Before, Do Not Try And Take Any Of
My Veggies When I Am Not Home. If I Catch Jackie Giving You Any
There Will Be Hell To Pay.
If You Want Veggies Go To The Store. Got To Go
Now And Make A Huge Home Grown Salad.
Eat Your Heart Out.
Your Generous, Thoughtful Father
to Lisa Kruger, 1/10/1998)
I want to apologize for leaving those
pistachios out. They were WORMY and I just wanted to see how big
the WORMS got; that's why I didn't throw them away.
I'm surprised you didn't see them or taste that
WORMY flavor. I hope you don't get sick - it takes a couple of days
and those WORMS in your stomach will breed. Just the thought makes
me sick. I'm surprised Jake didn't say anything. She knew. She
was probably in the bathroom when you ate those WORMY pistachios.
One more thing - I really can't remember if it
takes 12 or 18 WORMY pistachios to get bad effects. How many did
you say you ate????
Again, I'm very sorry.
Your thoughtful, loving, affectionate and
Using AND Abusing Me
to Lisa Krueger, 6/23/97)
Hey Ma Barker
I don't mind that you and those kids eat and
sleep here but I did ask you and those kids not to breathe deeply
when I am running the air conditioning. It costs me a lot of money
to run the air conditioning. I asked you and those kids to please
take short breaths and you and those kids did not.
If you and those kids cannot abide by my rules
next time you and those kids sleep and eat in the basement.
Another thing, when you and those kids arrived
here you were carrying over night bags that were half empty, when
you and those kids left the bags were bulging. I am not accusing
you and those kids of taking anything but we are missing quite a few
things since you and those kids left. Next time I will have to
inspect all of you and those kids baggage before you and those kids
Again I repeat I am not accusing you and those
kids of anything. It's a shame when you can't trust family.
YOUR TRUSTING, LOVING FATHER
P.S. How can you eat so much at one
time, You're amazing.
to Adam Krueger, 6/25/97)
Hey Alice OOPS-- I mean Adam!
I hear you got a thorn in your foot. Grab a
pair of pliers and yank it out. When I was your age, I had to walk
to school barefooted, and that was in winter!
No fear, ROCKY'S here!
to Lisa 6/25/97)
Hey, Looney Tunes...
Is there no end to your madness...you eat my
food, take over the beds, breathe my air conditioning, and only God
knows what you and those kids took home. Now you borrow my only two
fans to dry out your basement. You're so full of hot air, all you
have to do is sit in your basement for an hour and breathe-- it
would dry real fast.
I'm surprised you didn't try to use my
extension cord for the fans and plug it in my house so you wouldn't
have to use your own electricity.
Please give me a break for a couple of days and
go bother your neighbors.
Your deeply caring and sensitive father,
From Gym to Lisa Krueger
Hi, Julia Childs...
AWARD WINNING GARDEN????? Hahahahahahahaha You
certainly deserve an award, but not for gardening. I know working
for Stein's makes you an expert, but I think your expertise in
vegetable gardening is a little lacking. I know it is difficult to
grow peppers and tomatoes. You have to put them in the ground, then
water them occasionally. That takes a lot of know-how! I'll repeat:
PUT THE PLANTS IN THE GROUND, THEN WATER THEM WHEN DRY. I realize
that's hard for you to comprehend (that means understand), but keep
this E-Mail and refer to it next year.
Plant and water; plant and water; plant and
water; plant and water; plant and water!
I really don't mind you sneaking over here to
steal my tomatoes and peppers. At least those two kids, whatever
their names are, would get fresh vegetables instead of canned. You
would be lost if there weren't any MCDONALDS, BURGER KING, COUSINS
SUBS, WENDY'S, PIZZA HUT, DOMINO'S, KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN, SUBWAY
SANDWICH, TACO BELL and GEORGE WEBB. Now that's wholesome home
Do those two kids, whatever-their-names-are,
know what HOME cooking means? (Made at home). Try it sometime, and
you will be amazed and they will be shocked at how good it tastes.
Thank God for school lunches. At least they get ONE good meal a day.
Must go now and do my housework.
Your loving, concerned, caring and HEALTHY
P.S. Tuesday night when you dropped in
on us with Adam and Lauren, we noticed how Adam gobbled up the
leftover fish Jackie hadn't finished. Doesn't that send a message to
you???? What do you want--the poor kid to get SCURVY!
to Lisa Krueger, 8/2/98)
So, BIG DEAL, you have a red tomato! That's
the color it's supposed to be (duh).
Just so you know, we picked a pickle, a green
pepper, and them little green onions for our salad tonight.
I guarantee you, in a couple weeks you will be
over here, begging for my huge, juicy, delicious tomatoes. I told
your mother (that's Jackie, DUH), if you want huge, juicy, delicious
tomatoes, you must pay! I'm charging $.35 per (for family). If
that's too steep, go to Pick "N Save...
If your kids, whatever their names are, come
over here, they can share our crops, but they have to eat it HERE.
It's probably the only thing they get HEALTHY all summer long.
Have you ever cooked a meal from scratch for
those kids? Or use your oven? That's the big cavity located
beneath the burners on your stove top????
That blond kid of yours, the boy, knows every
fast food restaurant in town, plus what they serve. That's SAD.
I must go now. Some neighbors came by and want
a tour of my garden.
May God have mercy on your soul.
Dining with Mom
to Adam & Lauren Krueger, 2/17/02)
To my grandchildren, Adam & Lauren
If I had a video camera on my trip to Florida
with your mother, I would be worth a lot of money. The TV Program
"Believe It Or Not By Ripley" or the TV program "You Gotta See
This", would pay big bucks for it.
When I arrived at Orlando Airport on Feb. 8,
your mother and Michelle met me at the airport. From there we were
going to Clearwater. Your mother asked if we could stop for
something to eat on the way. I had eaten on the plane and Michelle
and Lisa had dinner just before they picked me up. After driving
for half an hour, we stopped at a restaurant. Michelle ordered a
diet Pepsi and I had a cup of coffee. Your mother ordered a double
club sandwich, a side of hash browns, a side of onion rings and a
large coke. On the way out, she grabbed a bag of Doritos to last her
until we got to Clearwater.
Friday night around 9:00 o'clock, we met the
rest of the family at the hotel bar. When the server asked your mom
what she wanted to drink, she said she would have the house special,
an ounce and a half of vodka with a glass of ginger ale for a
chase. It's called a shooter. I had a small beer. Within 45 min.
your mom had four more 'shooters'. I was getting concerned about
her. The disk jockey that was playing requests asked if anyone
wanted to sing a song. Before I could stop her, your mother flew up
on stage, and patriotically asked to sing "God Bless America" which
she did, off key, to a mixture of boos and cheers (the boos were for
the off keying). Then I suggested she stop drinking 'shooters' and
she did. She switched to Margaritas - the rest of the night.
At 2:00 A.M., your mother wanted to go to the
Waffle House (open 24 hrs) where she ordered three pecan waffles, a
side order of bacon, biscuits & gravy and coffee. For desert she
ordered a double hot fudge sundae. At 3:30 I told her she should
get some sleep. I walked her to the elevator and said I'd be up in
When I got up to the room, the noise that came
from your mother was a combo of snoring, thunderous groans, and loud
whistling wheezes. I was kind of scared. It felt like the walls
were shaking! I called the front desk to get another room, but they
were filled up. I was embarrassed because the people in the next
room kept pounding on the walls to keep the noise down. I couldn't
sleep so I took a long walk and spent the rest of the night-early
morning in the hotel lobby.
I called your mom at 9:00 o'clock to wake her
and told her to meet me in the lobby at ten o'clock. When she came
down, her first words were, "can we go to the Waffle House?" The
server brought menus, which was a mistake. She ordered a Cheese &
Ham omelet, sausage, toast, hash browns, a side of pancakes, coffee
and pie. I had coffee. On the way out, she grabbed a bag of chips.
For the rest of the day we just hung out at the
hotel. The wedding was at 4:00 o'clock. Luckily for your mom,
there were appetizers served before the dinner, which wasn't until
6:30. At the dinner, there were some empty table settings and when
the server asked your mom if they were 'no shows' - she said "No,
they'll be a little late". She had her eye on the extra salads,
chicken, etc., etc. Then she went at it. But she did wait until
she finished her own meal.
After the celebration was over - and it was
pretty late, she wanted to stop at the Waffle House AGAIN!
And that was only ONE night and ONE day of the
I can't go on. It would take too long to record
everything else she ate.
Customs and Traditions
(to Joe Grillo from Gym, 9/5/97
upon Joe requesting his daughter's hand in marriage)
I don't know Italian customs or traditions for
marriage, but as a native American we also have ours.
When a young BUCK (you) wants to marry into the
tribe, he must ask the CHIEF (me) for permission. It takes a least
three moons before the decision is made and/or accepted. In the
meantime the BUCK (you) must show your gratitude to the CHIEF (me)
during that time.
In the past when we were on the reservation,
the Buck would bring horses, pelts, beads, and blankets to show his
wealth, gratitude and sincerity towards the Chief's daughter. Now,
in modern day times, I cannot accept horses, pelts, (beads &
blankets are still optional), however, a nice car with plenty of
horse-POWER would do nicely. It would show proper respect.
The year of the car would show how much you
think of my daughter, RAINDROP. Let your heart be your guide.
CHIEF SWIFT WHITE FOX III -------->
Read the Wedding Toast below.
to Michelle & Joe Grillo, 7/1/98)
This was my toast to Michelle & Joe at their
wedding. I forgot a few key words, because I didn't want to read it
because what I had to say came from the heart.
After Dan's toast, he introduced me as Jim
"My real name is Swift White Fox, III. Many
moons ago, when I left the reservation, I changed my name to Jim
White because I thought it would be easier to find work and also
mingle with you white folks.
We had a custom on the reservation when a young
buck wanted to marry a young maiden, that he would bring to her
father, beads, blankets and a couple of horses to show his respect
and wealth. When I found out Joe was going to marry my daughter, I
called him in California. I explained our customs from the
reservation, but, now that I lived in the big city, I didn't need
beads, blankets or a horse - but I could use some cash and a car
with a lot of horse POWER. We ended our conversation, and I sat back
and waited and waited and waited. I did not get ONE RED CENT (pardon
the pun) for my daughter, RAINDROP. I should explain I named her
Raindrop, because she wet her pants when she was a little girl.
I would like to make a toast, but first,
Raindrop, I want you to know that you will always be my little girl
and you are so special to me, and I love you very much.
Joe: This is not easy. I am not mad at you any
longer because you didn't send me cash or a car - but I love you
too. Now for the toast.
EDCHI BOBO ESOW GAI - KOTENEE SIGA MOSOW!!! In
Indian, that means:
"I WISH YOU BOTH A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE
TOGETHER, AND MAY YOU PROSPER IN A WEALTH OF LOVE. SALUTE!!!"
to Dan 9/26/97)
I'm really surprised at Michelle and Joe for
making you eat that GUACAMOLE DIP, which caused you to get food
poisoning. It seems strange they did not get sick from the same
GUACAMOLE DIP that you ate, too. It seems almost a cruel way of
showing appreciation for the engagement party you threw them.
I know what you must have gone through eating
that bad GUACAMOLE DIP. In the past, I went to a few COCKTAIL
PARTIES where they served martinis, manhattans, scotch, gin and
bourbon with GUACAMOLE DIP, and I got sick too. It must have been
that damn GUACAMOLE DIP that poisoned my system.
The next time you party, pass on the GUACAMOLE
DIP and test how you feel the next day. If you get up feeling fine,
then you know it was the GUACAMOLE DIP that you had in the past that
caused your FOOD poisoning.
Give me the name of the company that made the
GUACAMOLE DIP and I'll give them a piece of my mind and tell them
what you went through.
Your caring father,
SWIFT WHITE FOX, III
Out to Get You
to Dan White)
I can't believe they did it to you again! They
poisoned you with that guacamole dip at the engagement party in
California, and now when you're asleep in Florida, they gouge your
foot. My God, don't Michelle and Joe have any compassion?
I heard you did not feel good in the mornings.
That's probably because they "laced" your food. Dan, you have to
STOP EATING FOOD when you're around Michelle and Joe. Just stick to
the DRINKING, because I know you can handle that. Why they do this
to you is beyond me. Did anyone else get gouged or sick in the
morning?? If so, warn them about Michelle and Joe.
Love, Your CONCERNED Father
(from Gym to Family 10/7/97)
As of this date (Oct. 7), Jackie and I are
celebrating 25 years, five months, one week and three days of wedded
bliss. Please do not try to contact us by phone or email. We want
this day to be special with NO interruptions.
At 8:00 A.M. tomorrow, we are going to
McDonald's for the EGG MCMUFFIN special, and for dessert their
famous hot apple pies. When we return home we are going to sit down
and go through the family photo album and reminisce.
For lunch it's our own special treat at Burger
King, enjoying a Whopper, French Fries and a Shake (aren't we
naughty). In the afternoon we will repeat our wedding vows (if we
remember the wording) and read poetry to each other which we have
collected over the years of our fabulous marriage. We are so
excited, we can't wait.
The evening will be a VERY SPECIAL OCCASION.
We bought two candles and a bottle of the best Mogen David we could
find. For dinner we selected two of our favorite TV dinners. I
chose my favorite Vegetable Lasagna (yummy), and Jackie picked Mrs.
Paul's Fish Fillets. After our gourmet delight, it's a trip to the
Video Store for our favorite movie "Dial M for Murder", that
wonderful movie classic where the husband tries to have his rich
wife murdered. When we take a break in the movie, Jackie will make
popcorn and lemonade. We are both excited for this celebration to
begin. Before bedtime we will drink some warm milk to help us relax
and get a good night's sleep.
Please feel free to call or e-mail us AFTER
Tuesday. By then we should be ready to resume our normal lives
after the gala celebration we have planned.
You will be in our thoughts-- but not until
AFTER our conjugal celebration.
BOOM-BOOM & JAKE (a/k/a "Jesus Jackie")
to Michelle Grillo, undated )
Well I got in trouble again and it was not my
fault. Here is what happened. I was taking my usual jog late
afternoon when a widow up the block stopped me (she remembered me
from summer, wearing shorts and no shirt in the backyard). She
asked if I could look at her refrigerator in the basement, as it was
not working. Being the handyman I am I said sure. To my surprise
all that was wrong was it was unplugged. I thought that was
strange, when I came upstairs she was in her bathrobe. I thought
that was strange. She thanked me and asked if I would like a
cocktail ,(normally I don't drink) but I said yes. While sitting at
the kitchen table drinking and talking, she grabbed my hand and
squeezed and had that "look" in her eye. Well, it happened, we had
an affair, I couldn't help it, she over powered me. I felt ashamed
and guilty but after all, she was a Senior Citizen in need.
What happened next really got out of hand. She
told the other widows in the neighborhood what took place, because
soon after that three more approached me to do some minor repair
work for them. I tried to accommodate them at first but requests
would not stop. Jogging ceased, my health was failing, I was losing
weight, could not sleep at night and my nerves were shattered.
Jackie finally confronted me when she noticed
the change in my everyday habits and my deteriorating health. I
finally confessed and what a relief. Although I did have to make
- No more night jogging
- Cannot wear shorts in the summer
- Must wear a shirt at all times
- Cannot take my "tool case" out of the house
- Cannot sit in the backyard in summer alone
- Must be in the house by 7:00 P.M.
- Cannot converse with single women in the
The rules will be hard to abide by but in life
you have to make your family and health come first. The
neighborhood will never be the same, but at least I brought some
happiness to the lonely besides doing "minor repair" jobs free.
The former neighborhood Handy Man
P.S. Most of the repairs admittedly
were unplugged cords and screwing in light bulbs
Training Guide for Security Job
1. There are two kinds of envelopes. One kind
has no name and address; the other kind has a name and address.
2. The no-name and address is used for sending
a message to someone or some place whose name and address is to be
put on the envelope. The name-and-address envelope is to be picked
3. The person picking up the envelope has
their name on the envelope, because it is addressed to him/her.
4. Get identification from the person picking
up the envelope.
5. If the name on the envelope matches the
name of the person picking up the envelope, it is permitted to hand
the envelope to such a person.
6. Destroy these instructions when the
envelope instruction is understood and carried out.
7. If there is any confusion, refer to your
with One Vision
#2 - LIGHT SWITCH
1. The light switch controls the lights.
2. If light switch is in the "up" position, it
3. If light switch is n the "down" position,
it is OFF.
4. Click light switch in the "up" position
when it is dark.
5. Click light switch in the "down" position
when it is light.
6. If confused about switch position, check
your watch. If it is nighttime, put the light switch position in
the "up" position. If it is daytime, the switch must be in the down
7. If you haven't a watch, put the light
switch in the "down" position. If you bump into walls, fall down,
and trip and generally cannot see, put the switch in the "up"
8. If you are confused, refer to instructions
4 and 5. Follow carefully and you will be able to put the light
switch in the up position (ON) and/or in the down position (OFF).
GOOD LUCK & GOOD LIGHTING
#3 - I.D. BADGE INSTRUCTIONS
1. There are four types of I.D. Badges:
Employee badges, visitor badges, contractor badges and training
2. Employee badges are for employees working
at the 4900 building, 4300 building, 9000 building, North Water
building and its branches. Check to be sure they are active
employees, and not terminated.
3. Visitor badges are for people who are
visiting. A person wearing a visitor badge must be escorted at all
times. You are responsible to phone the person the visitor is
4. Contractor badges are for contractors,
i.e., A.T.T., Uihlein, Racol, Micard, Toepper, Honeywell, Weplo,
Syntel, IBM, Tandem, ACI, Memoter, EMC, Kodak, UPS, Grunau, DataCard,
Fleet, Entex, to cite examples.
5. Training Class badges are for people who
are here in training. Training classes are held in training rooms
located in the Training Center or in training rooms.
6. Use discretion issuing badges. Lives may be
saved or at least proper directions given to the proper destination.
Wear Clean Underwear